Crying whilst you're exercising

It it just me that cries when swimmming or running?

For me, the pressure is the problem. I started so well nearly a year ago now. Not anymore. Everyone's judging me for not loosing the weight anymore.  I feel their eyes looking me up and down noticing that nothing is changing.  I feel the pressure from them big time.

Then there's my own pressure.  I am getting so desperate to loose the weight that stupid thoughts are coming into my head now.  Shall I not eat? Shall I get rid of what I have eaten? Shall I quit work and find more time in the day to exercise?

The running and swimming is the worst though. Thoughts of my failings make me so emotional that I start to well up. I think about how much I am letting down my husband. I just know he can't figure out what's stopping me loose the weight, but he won't talk to me about it. Mostly I think about not getting near to my goal and I feel like such a failure - cue the tears! What a chump

A dream is a wish your heart makes

A dream is a wish your heart makes
When you're fast asleep,
In dreams you will loose your heartache
Whatever you wish for you keep.

Have faith in your dreams and someday
Your rainbow will come smiling through.
No matter how your heart is grieving
If you keep on believing.

The dream that you wish will come true
A dream is a wish your heart makes,
When you're feeling small
Alone in the night you whisper.

Thinking no one can hear you at all,
You wake with the morning sunlight
To find fortune that is smiling on you.

Don't let your heart be filled with sorrow,
For all you know tomorrow
The dream that you wish will come true.

When you can dream then you can start
A dream is a wish you make with your heart

You wake with the morning sunlight
To find fortune that is smiling on you
Don't let your heart be filled with sorrow
For all you know tomorrow

The dream that you wish will come true
No matter how your heart is grieving
If you keep on believing
The dream that you wish will come true

When you can dream then you can start
When you can dream then you can start
When you can dream then you can start
A dream is a wish you make with your heart

When you can dream then you can start
A dream is a wish you make with your heart

How many BFN have you had?

How many BFN have you had? 

I can crudely add mine up... Start TTC Jan 2004, twelve months in a year, times by how many years/months... 115

115 BFN!

We've got an anniversary coming up. 10 years in January since we've been trying for our dream. A decade.

The thought of that decade coming up makes me feel sick. I don't want it to happen. The past few months (113,114,115) have been extra hard, just because the 120th month, or "the decade" is so close. I want to scream it makes me so upset. I'm doing everything I can to try and get a natural conception because I know damn well that I will not have lost enough weight to start ICSI before the decade darkens our door.

I can't give up, I can't let this happen

Another SA test tomorrow

Our consultant appointment was last week and it was mixed with good bits and bad bits.

BAD :

The waiting room - half the room full of infertile couples, like us seeing the same kind of consultants. I could definitely spot the terrified looks in the room if these couples. The other half in the room were 'parent craft' which is pregnant women waiting for their scans. It was cruel & I think they're oblivious at this NHS trust how much this kinda shit hurts people.

BAD: Deferred for another six months. I hate the waiting, feeling like time is ticking away.

GOOD: nurses and the consultant (for a change she was being nice!) we're so genuinely pleased with the weight I had lost.

GOOD: we managed to get referral for a full andrology test for DH. Its a semen analysis but its the detailed one like he had a few years ago.

The first semen analysis we had was in 2006, undertaken twice and it was an NHS one. Our GP ordered it and told us that DH had a bit of a low count and was slightly low with motility, but told us not to worry. The second test was another NHS one in 2010 which said the same as before. To follow up we were referred for a more detailed test in 2011 and it showed a count of less than 1 million and a 0.1% progressive motility. Needless to say this news was devastating. 

The following year the cancer showed up. Sperm banking had to be done to save sperm because the operation plus the chemotherapy can obliterate all sperm. So three sessions to store/freeze sperm started in 2012, but DH had been working very hard to improve this sperm for a good six months before these were stored. When analysed the clinic said the count was over 10 million and there were no significant motility issues. We were amazed and of course very thankful for this one small mercy.

Now that DH has been through the loss of one testicle and the chemotherapy, we want to know what we are dealing with - is there no sperm left? Is there maybe more? Is there a motility issue? Do we now rely 100% in the frozen sperm sleeping away in containers?

We go to clinic at The Priory tomorrow for DHs test with our hopes high for some long overdue good news 😰

Last cycle

During the previous 'good' cycle that I posted about, I got faint positives at 7dpo and 9dpo. 

Because my luteal phase is only normally 10 days, I started to get excited at 12dpo and 12 days into my luteal phase - then nasty cramping started and AF came :( I don't even want to think about what that was all about

Baby steps

This has got to be a good monthly cycle right?

Ok so I had a heavy spontaneous bleed on the evening of CD10, but it had gone overnight. Since that I've got through a couple of absolute hellish weeks at work, relatively unscathed so far.

Also no more Urinary Tract Infection, got that confirmed yesterday at a follow up appointment (and at least they followed up this time!).

DH and me are still on 'The Regime'. I've lost 2 more lbs this week and thanks to some good planning, we've actually managed to DTD every day PLUS I think I've ovulated overnight. Wasn't very hopeful this month but it looks like it might have happened. If I was a millionaire I would have my own scanner to check every months but I think I've got used to listening to my body now.

The positivity at the end of this upcoming 2ww is still rock bottom for me though, I can't seem to get in that headspace anymore. DH does the positivity for me, but because he doesn't like to talk about IF stuff, the negativity/despair seems to be permanently with me.

BMI wise I'm close to 40 now, massive improvement from 49 but still a long way to go. Lots of exercise needed and we've taken to walking around the local lake (in the picture). Still hopeful for getting to BMI of 35 by August/September...that's my goal and what i need to focus on.

Positivity

This post I want to talk about being positive.

I'm trying out positive visualisation which I've been doing since November religiously. I can't be sure that this is the reason behind my recent successes, but its working so I'm going to stick with it.

Since I started at the start of my November cycle, I have ovulated 3 months in a row - a real success for me. November ovulation was on CD 17, December's was CD 22 and now this month it was on CD 23, very late and I thought my luck had run out! My temps show massive rise, more than I've ever had this month, but I may be coming down with another urinary tract infection so it might be because of that.

I spent about 20 minutes listening to the 'implantation' bits of the positive visualisation CD this morning and DH was lying next to me whilst I listened. Afterwards the words 'positive visualisation had stuck in my head. I realised that I found it so hard to be positive, any good thought is always tinged with a negative. I know I am struggling with my emotions lately, but I have been like negative this for a long long time. I asked DH if he was positive at the moment and he said yes. I am amazed that he can feel this way. He said he would do the positivity for me. I asked 'does it ever cross your mind that we have been trying for over 9 years and we still never get our wish?' To which he said 'no, I always have hope'.

I wished I had this no holds barred - just have hope approach. I'm struggling with this cycle because I feel like there are reasons to have hope:
1. DH has been chemotherapy free for over 6 months which means he should have sperm producing soon (we hope!)
2. I have ovulated (albeit very late)
3. My weight has gone down, a good 10 lbs since before Christmas
4. I'm feeling fitter and healthier than I have for a long time

AND THE CLINCHER... I'm having one of those bizarre 2 week waits where I am finding myself spotting things/symptoms etc that I don't usually have, or at least haven't had for a long time ... cramping throughout my whole tummy for the past two days...a metallic taste in my mouth.

The last time I felt like this was in 2010 (OMG was it really 3 years ago!) when we had our one and only pregnancy, which makes me wonder why I can't be more positive. I couldn't hold onto that pregnancy though, and the guilt I feel about that consumes me and I don't really talk about it, to anyone, ever. I don't think I will be ready to any time soon either.

I guess I'm just a cynic, too much hurt to have any hope. I just 'know' that AF is around the corner next week and I'll be on here, talking to myself saying 'I told you so'...