Positivity

This post I want to talk about being positive.

I'm trying out positive visualisation which I've been doing since November religiously. I can't be sure that this is the reason behind my recent successes, but its working so I'm going to stick with it.

Since I started at the start of my November cycle, I have ovulated 3 months in a row - a real success for me. November ovulation was on CD 17, December's was CD 22 and now this month it was on CD 23, very late and I thought my luck had run out! My temps show massive rise, more than I've ever had this month, but I may be coming down with another urinary tract infection so it might be because of that.

I spent about 20 minutes listening to the 'implantation' bits of the positive visualisation CD this morning and DH was lying next to me whilst I listened. Afterwards the words 'positive visualisation had stuck in my head. I realised that I found it so hard to be positive, any good thought is always tinged with a negative. I know I am struggling with my emotions lately, but I have been like negative this for a long long time. I asked DH if he was positive at the moment and he said yes. I am amazed that he can feel this way. He said he would do the positivity for me. I asked 'does it ever cross your mind that we have been trying for over 9 years and we still never get our wish?' To which he said 'no, I always have hope'.

I wished I had this no holds barred - just have hope approach. I'm struggling with this cycle because I feel like there are reasons to have hope:
1. DH has been chemotherapy free for over 6 months which means he should have sperm producing soon (we hope!)
2. I have ovulated (albeit very late)
3. My weight has gone down, a good 10 lbs since before Christmas
4. I'm feeling fitter and healthier than I have for a long time

AND THE CLINCHER... I'm having one of those bizarre 2 week waits where I am finding myself spotting things/symptoms etc that I don't usually have, or at least haven't had for a long time ... cramping throughout my whole tummy for the past two days...a metallic taste in my mouth.

The last time I felt like this was in 2010 (OMG was it really 3 years ago!) when we had our one and only pregnancy, which makes me wonder why I can't be more positive. I couldn't hold onto that pregnancy though, and the guilt I feel about that consumes me and I don't really talk about it, to anyone, ever. I don't think I will be ready to any time soon either.

I guess I'm just a cynic, too much hurt to have any hope. I just 'know' that AF is around the corner next week and I'll be on here, talking to myself saying 'I told you so'...