Positivity

This post I want to talk about being positive.

I'm trying out positive visualisation which I've been doing since November religiously. I can't be sure that this is the reason behind my recent successes, but its working so I'm going to stick with it.

Since I started at the start of my November cycle, I have ovulated 3 months in a row - a real success for me. November ovulation was on CD 17, December's was CD 22 and now this month it was on CD 23, very late and I thought my luck had run out! My temps show massive rise, more than I've ever had this month, but I may be coming down with another urinary tract infection so it might be because of that.

I spent about 20 minutes listening to the 'implantation' bits of the positive visualisation CD this morning and DH was lying next to me whilst I listened. Afterwards the words 'positive visualisation had stuck in my head. I realised that I found it so hard to be positive, any good thought is always tinged with a negative. I know I am struggling with my emotions lately, but I have been like negative this for a long long time. I asked DH if he was positive at the moment and he said yes. I am amazed that he can feel this way. He said he would do the positivity for me. I asked 'does it ever cross your mind that we have been trying for over 9 years and we still never get our wish?' To which he said 'no, I always have hope'.

I wished I had this no holds barred - just have hope approach. I'm struggling with this cycle because I feel like there are reasons to have hope:
1. DH has been chemotherapy free for over 6 months which means he should have sperm producing soon (we hope!)
2. I have ovulated (albeit very late)
3. My weight has gone down, a good 10 lbs since before Christmas
4. I'm feeling fitter and healthier than I have for a long time

AND THE CLINCHER... I'm having one of those bizarre 2 week waits where I am finding myself spotting things/symptoms etc that I don't usually have, or at least haven't had for a long time ... cramping throughout my whole tummy for the past two days...a metallic taste in my mouth.

The last time I felt like this was in 2010 (OMG was it really 3 years ago!) when we had our one and only pregnancy, which makes me wonder why I can't be more positive. I couldn't hold onto that pregnancy though, and the guilt I feel about that consumes me and I don't really talk about it, to anyone, ever. I don't think I will be ready to any time soon either.

I guess I'm just a cynic, too much hurt to have any hope. I just 'know' that AF is around the corner next week and I'll be on here, talking to myself saying 'I told you so'...

Update since the heart scan

OK its been a while since I last poured it all out so today seems like a good day to post. There is no theme to this post though, its just an update for now.

I have a christening to suffer through in 3 hours time so hopefully writing this will make me strong for this afternoon!

My heart scan results came back - they aren't too concerned, but apparently three out of four valves in my heart are a bit leaky i.e. there is some kind of flow back into the other chambers. The GP told me that is wasn't bad enough to worry about, nor bad enough to treat, so I'm trusting that and moving on. Or trying to. The worst thing is knowing that I have this, and I try not to strain too much when yawning, stretching etc. I know it sounds silly but I don't like the sensations of the fluttering , it unnerves me.

I am still having breathlessness and palpitations. Also now I have funny blobs in my vision. I also have broken out bad with my insulin resistance symptoms like the thick darker skin around my neck. I went to the doctor to ask about metformin but she refused to give it to me! Instead she said I scored high for anxiety and has referred to me cognitive behavioral therapy so I am now waiting for that the start. Also told me to get my eyes tested :-/

Things still don't seem right for us though. Had a very tough start to the year loosing Nanny Betty last week, and we buried her yesterday. Also don't seem to have ovulated this month (again!) grr. DH is still out of work and we have had to cancel our holiday plans because were struggling to have any money left because I am paying for everything, new car, mortgage, bills, shopping and it gets me down.

However one bit of good news is the diet. Haven't really changed what I eat, I'm still doing low GI, but I've started using an APP called MyFitnessPro and limiting my calories as well. Doing the low calorie diet with the low GI seems to be working because I've lost 10 pounds since Christmas. At this rate we would be on track for ICSI in the autumn if they will have us, so I am spurred on to push through all the obstacles.