2014

What a year.

I had honestly given up. I couldn't loose anymore weight, it was like hitting a wall too high to climb.

We'd decided to stop. But that lasted a week. My ability to agree to stop had thrown me into despair. So we tried to find clinics in the UK and abroad that would treat us. We found three UK clinics and contacted them all.

Newlife clinic was by far the best choice. So we went for it! It took months for me to stabilise my thyroid levels and I had high antibodies too, so we skirted my GP who wouldn't agree that there was a problem with my thyroid meds, and we sorted it privately.

October 2014 we started ICSI 1. I did a short protocol with stimulation with gonal f and menopur. At egg collection they retrieved 13 eggs. They used hubbys frozen sperm which we couriered from Coventry. Unfortunately only 3 of the 13 fertilised. But all 3 made it to day 5. On day 5 we had two embryos transferred and the other was left overnight to see if it would be suitable for freezing, and it was.

Test day was 9th November 2014 and the absolute joy of seeing two lines was undescribable! The joy of sickness, stretching, appetite changes, exhaustion is the happiest thing to experience.

At 5 weeks 4 days pregnant I had a bleed. We drove to the clinic and had a scan. There was a nice amniotic sac, a yolk sac and a fetal pole, everything that they wanted to see at that stage. Perfect!

A routine scan at 6 weeks 2 days was able to detect an amazing heartbeat. The yolk sac seemed to look a little large. It was the most amazing sight. Although the clinic told us that the pregnancy had implanted very low down. I didn't like the sound of that. I was very nervous.

With spotting happening too I went to the GP and  they referred me to the local EPU. At 7 weeks pregnant I was scanned and our world started to fall apart. There were in fact two yolk sacs!!! This baby had tried to split but the other baby hadn't developed. Also our baby's heartbeat was beginning to slow. They told us to prepare for the worst and come back in ten days.

In those days all the symptoms began to fade. I could feel my baby dying inside me. And as predicted at 8 and a half weeks we went for the scan to   be told baby had died and the pregnancy was beginning to break up.

In a way we lost three little ones...one embryo that didn't implant, and the baby and his twin.

They sent us home so I could have a natural miscarriage. They said it would happen quickly. It didn't. Two weeks later the bleeding started.

I bled heavily for three days, which started on boxing day 2014. Then out of the blue whilst sitting on the toilet the floodgates opened. So much blood. I started to feel strange, lightheaded, sick, shivery. And I collapsed on that toilet. Somehow Hubby dragged me into the car and we drove the 3 minutes to A&E.

At A&E the receptionist logged us in and we were told to wait in a busy waiting room. I sat on a towel from home. In the waiting room I was in excruciating pain and was bleeding heavily. When they finally called us after 45 minute's I couldn't stand. They had to bring a trolley chair.

They admitted me urgently and I was steered to a private room in resus. I collapsed again. Doctors rushed in putting lines in me and nurses tried to deal with my bleeding. I was given an acid to slow bleeding and started on a 2l blood transfusion and fluids.

The gynaecologists came. I had two very messy speculum examinations, the second of which extracted my baby from my cervix. It was grey and looked very un-alive. After that examination I collapsed again. Nurses were still trying to deal with the bleeding. They told me the tissue and blood was pressing on my cervix and I needed surgery to get it out. On that evening I had the extraction.

My iron levels plummeted and my blood pressure dropped whilst my heart rate raced. The following day I wasn't allowed home. I had resting tachycardia. One result the following day gave me a heart rate of under a 100 (I tried to hold mt breath to slow it) so they sent me home.

I've been battling with the anaemia which has been awful since I left hospital. I'm also battling with the realisation that I lost our baby.
I saw him 11 weeks and two days old.
I was pregnant, now I'm not.
I bonded with baby, and I don't have that anymore.