Miscarriage triggers

I'm finding it hard to think let alone try and write this down. But I need to try.

EVERYTHING is acting as a trigger to send me into a gut wrenching pain. I don't know how to deal with this pain yet. I willntry and explain a few of the everyday things I do that cause this first.

Getting into a car -

I brought a car badge whilst I was pregnant saying "bump on board". Stupid me for getting excited eh?  Hubby put it in the car so every time I used to get in the car I felt a warm glow of happiness thinking about my growing baby. Now the badge has been removed. I dont know where it has gone. (Well done for dealing with that husband). But now I go to the car and all I remember is that happy feeling, which I won't have anymore, and that hurts a lot. I don't want to go to the car anymore.

Eating -

This is stupid. I had a baby which gave me a weird and wonderful appetite from the day it arrived. Now when I think about what to have for breakfast lunch and dinner I don't have those tastes. That really hurts and I need to think about this too often. Today I decided not to have any breakfast or lunch so that I could block it out.

TV -

Any TV series that I watched whilst sitting with my feet up on the sofa pregnant are still running. Each one of these takes me back to that time and reminds me that I've lost it. I switch off now.

Twitter -

People on twitter who got pregnant before and after me are still pregnant. Their happy posts make me wonder why I had to endure the loss. It's so painful to think of my baby incinerated. I imagine what our baby's scan pictures would be like and I imagine it being more and more amazing as time goes on. I've been on twitter for 8 years and have dedicated a lot of time to trying my best to support others experiencing my pain. But sometimes twitter gets weird. I don't get involved in the weirdness, ever...but when people there are telling me what I should and shouldn't be feeling, saying or doing, when I'm never one to get involved in any of the crap that does happen, its heartbreaking. There seem to be constant blog posts about it. After all this time its my time to need the crutch to rely on, but I can't seem to cope in there, it hurts. So I've left.

Pinterest -

This really was stupid. Totally stupid. This idiot here followed pregnancy boards didnt she!!!  I've had to see all these posts and images and I have slowly been able to unfollow most of them. But it doesn't end there. Because pinterest decides to show you posts relevant to things you have looked at, so I keep getting these. Eventually my posts about smoothies, exercise, recipes and infertility will start to eradicate these so I will persevere.

There are other triggers too, such as going back to the gym where I cried doing laps, not quite believing that I'm back to trying to loose weight before the next ICSI treatment; putting the christmas decorations away because we had the baby when we were putting them up; doing the sainsburys shop and seeing the "baby" tab and wanting to buy one.

Too many more to write about. The point is that they are constant and mostly unavoidable, making it hard to live my life without breaking down. I'm tryingthe tactic of avoidance and crying. It might work who knows.

I'm back at work on Thursday too so I can try to cope with a routine. I am also back at the clinic on 12th February for a follow up. Maybe that will help?