Guilt, buying a car and those other silly things

I know I shouldn't do it.

Those silly things I do, just in case we get pregnant. Like putting off holidays, like claiming lent is the reason for abstaining from alcohol or coffee. My favourite stupid thing, is that angel on my shoulder putting things into my head when we are getting a new car, like "ooh this could be the car that we bring baby home in, it must have 4 doors" :/ WHO AM I KIDDING! It been 8 years, why do I fool myself that it could happen, naturally?! Needless to say the last 4 cars have had 4 doors, and no baby.

I'll move onto writing about guilt, only because I feel a lot of it and need some release. Guilt...for not being mentally strong enough. Why couldn't I have got my life together to face up to our infertility earlier. Guilt...for being fat, if only I was thinner I wouldn't have I put DH through the waiting game for getting treatment. GUILT... For spending a penny of our money which could go towards future treatment. GUILT... For focussing so much on my career instead of what matters. GUILT... for my emotion and rage and tears which seem to flood over me so often and so strongly recently, poor DH doesn't know what to say to me!

We pick our new car up on Thursday, it's got 4 doors.