Best way to start this...introductions

I'm 29 years old. Wonderful Precious Dear Husband is 31.

My life revolves around my husband and work, so I try hard to be a good wife, daughter, boss, person, whatever. But the one thing I cannot do is be a mummy.

The last thing I want to do is record this journey as a pessimist like I usually am "OOOHH Woe is me!" because I want this blog to be a record of what is real, to me. Therefore I have to admit, things in my life are pretty good. My mother and grandmother encouraged me to always work hard to get to university, to follow my passions and pursue the dream of escaping the family pattern of early pregnancy and a mundane life on the Council estate. Sure it suits some, but never me. Sooo I got away from it, graduated in 2004, found a job in 2004, developed there and less than three years there I was promoted. So I now manage and motivat a fantastic team in a profession I have real passion for.

DH entered my life in 2003, and there was an instant connection between us. He helped me through a tough time because my parents 20 year marriage was ending. I knew we were meant to be together and it didn't take us long to move into rented accommodated together at the end of 2003. I moved across counties to be with him in his home town, but by coincidence I got my dream job in that town too! Although I was away from my family, things we going so well, we planned to save up to buy our first house, to get married etc and I also came off 'the pill'.

I wasn't expecting to get pregnant then, it was January 2004, I was only 22 but I wasn't naive enough to think we would have an instant family, especially as I am by no means a skinny chick! We got on with our lives, moved into our first house together in April 2005 and got married in July 2005. It was after the wedding when we started to realise that it might be a good idea to look at why we hadn't conceived. It was at this point that we figured out that dates were important, ovulation windows, good diets, exercise so we slipped into a more conscious mindset of 'trying to concieve'. To all the IF sufferers who do end up reading this, I don't need to explain to anyone what it feels like months after month. The only word that ever comes close to the feeling, for me, is devastation.

My gripe with the NHS probably started in 2006. This is when we went to our GP to discuss why we weren't pregnant (at this point it had been over 2 years). We got 'the lifestyle change' chat. He assumed, I was fat so I was unhealthy and that was our issue. I got the "stress less and exercise more and stop wasting my time" diagnosis. I was suffering so badly with depression at this point that my life started to fall apart. I couldn't bare the outside world, couldn't live with my emotions. I was signed off work for 12 weeks while I hid, and cried, and cried.

I couldn't accept what my GP was saying. 6 months later we went back. This time he referred us to Worcester General to a gyn'y specialist. My god it was traumatic. DH had his 'junk' HAHA!! test and I was questioned, poked, swobbed etc. We were told then that DH's motility was poor, straight away he said we would more than likely need ICSI with IVF if we wanted to conceive. This of course was hard for us to deal with but we were grateful for the answers. The only problem is, my weight.

You see Worcestershire PCT don't follow this Countries (UK!) NICE guidelines for funding for fertility treatment. They actually impose an extra set of rules, nine more rules I think it is, including one where the woman's Body Mass Index limit is maximum 30. Mine was 40+, so we were pretty devastated...we headed home.

My depression and the trauma of this let down, had a profound effect on our choices since 2006. Of course, I tried so hard with my weight, but it wouldn't budge. I was also so emotionally weak that DH and I agreed that no thoughts of the ICSI process could enter our heads until I was strong enough to go through it. We lived out our twenties, working hard and enjoying life together, and its been such a happy and fulfilling experience.

It was 2009 when things started to go wrong, again, for me. Of course I always questioned why it was I had such a healthy diet but couldn't loose any weight, but I was about to get an answer. My periods stopped. I was late one month, I didn't dare do a pregnancy test, we were almost certain we couldn't conceive naturally. Then another month passed, no period. I found the courage to do a test BFN. Typical. Third month passed. Something wasn't right, and I was so tired and lethargic, so it was back for round 2 with the NHS!

I had an array of blood tests. They told me they suspected PCOS, and on the bloods, there was a higher testosterone reading. So off for a scan to confirm the diagnosis. But there was no PCOS, in fact I was told my follicles looked good. We didn't really know what this meant then. So more blood tests followed. But it took them in total 10 months to diagnose me as hypothyroid. Then medications were given. It took them another 6 months to find the right dosage for me. In this time my cycle regulated, but it has never been right since, very long cycles, lighter than before usually, but they had diagnosed me and in their eyes 'cured' me.

But since 2009 I have also been told I have 'insulin resistance'. It wasn't until last year that I really started to take this seriously as a potential cause to my fertility issues. So my 'low fat' diet was replaced with GI low diet, avoiding sugars, breads, starchy vegetables. I've added caffeine, alcohol chocolate to that no-go list too. Some see it as a joyless existence but one I know I need to follow!

In 2011 we went back to the GP. I had lost a little weight and hoped for another referral, if only to get some answers about some of my issues with my still irregular cycle. More blood test revealed that I still had excess testosterone. They told me I was likely to have PCOS! I couldn't believe what I was hearing again. I told them that they had already diagnosed me with PCOS but it was ruled out last time. But the referral to the new gyn'y specialist was a turning point for us. I had the scan, yet again no PCOS, but this time DH lab testing was done for us privately by the Priory Clinic in Birmingham. The lab again said motility was low, and ICSI would be our only option. But my weight was still high, with a BMI of 49! January 2012 our specialist told us that she will be reviewing what our next treatment stage is likely to be at our next appointment. She has given me until April 2012 to loose some weight. I have lost half a stone since January, frankly on a diet of starvation and water but I am so determined to do this.

This time I am ready for this journey. It is ridiculously inspiring reading on twitter about other women's journeys in their infertility battles that it now consumes my life! I envy some of these women though. They get to have their treatments. For us we have such a physical and emotional battle to go through to even get to stage one.

Lastly, I want to express that it feels so unfair that our fertility issue is male factor, but DH's ideal BMI of 22 matters not. Even though I AM healthy, he is punished by this cruel system, just because of me...and where we live.